It was brought to my attention that some comments weren’t being posted. Thank you, Art! I took a look at the back end of the site and sure enough 69 comments were being held in moderation without my knowing it. My sincere apologies. I’m not sure if this was a result of my power outage or a technical glitch on the Word Press end. Either way, we always want your thoughts. Please use the contact form to let us know if your comments don’t appear in the future.
My only comment is to say thank you, thank you, thank you for this site and for allowing so many people to really express their pain and their anger at the failure of this Archdiocese to really help with the healing process. Removing support against the SOL would be a major step forward and after that the “Healing Mass” might mean something.
Susan, Kathy and all the writers on this blog, you really have justice as the basis of your comments. Congratulations on all of your work and commitment to this issue and to the victims and their families.
Fr Jack thank you for your participation which has meant so much over the years. Whenever I read a comment or receive an email from a victim or family member that speaks to the comfort they feel from this online community,it makes me proud of what every person has contributed and been a part of over the past few years. We go along as unplanned as we have been from the beginning, and it all falls into place.
I always think of those who have yet to come forward and may never come forward and know that they can visit here and feel support at a lonely time.
In response to a comment on another site of the good which I will not deny the Catholic Church had done in the past is now replaced with these feelings:
Memories from the far corners of my mind. The memories of the way you were.
Scattered pictures of all those smiles of innocent children my church has left behind, and now how time has re-written every line.
If you had the chance to do it over again could you would you ?
What is so painful to remember, My church simply chosen to forget
Memories.
Continue to be torn between all the pain, all the loss of trust…and the good stuff, the part of me that is still Catholic somewhere in my bone marrow. Am so grateful for this site as I try to keep some sense of equilibrium in the struggle to be a survivor.
I want to make a comment about my recovery from my physical, emotional and sexual abuse from both of my parents. My recovery started 40 years ago and it feels like 40 years of chaos. This chaos always had points of my powerlessness and at these points it felt like the heart of faith. Gradually my faith became powerlessness, fell into a void, and now I feel real identity within this void. At first this powerlessness was like living in the world as nothing, as it felt like nothing true or valuable in which I could believe. There was such deep insecurity and powerlessness, even something perverse and dark; I did not want God to have access to my mind. I felt like an atheist.
Fr. John Wintermyer expressed I am not an atheist and deep within I know this. It was just from this nothingness I felt this need to block the horror, the uncertainty, and God. I have gradually come to accept my powerlessness in my nothingness, even to the point of putting faith in being nothing. I realized this is the heart of faith. It is feeling the void, within stillness and being at home within it. This is teaching me self-possession and self-surrender are already together, before I fell into self-consciousness and alienation.
I now feel like I am returning home and I do not need to accomplish anything. Powerlessness is home and the True self is beginning to take over within the void. I appreciate this faith that allows me to counteract the terror and the despair. Divine awareness is growing in this faith, yet I also feel myself needing to recover from recovery. The shock and disbelief in my recovery is an endless stream of the positive and the negative to where I now feel nothing.
Maybe God is weaning me from reliance on my feelings and my feelings expressing value. Maybe I am discovering home is simply resting in and being within my true identity. I just need to ask has anyone ever felt the need to recovery from recovery and to recover from the void? Did this void communicate your value is not based on a particular achievement and home is here? How did you create an opening to love simply and genuinely after the emptiness?
If this writing is not appropriate for this site just say so. I am not trying to accomplish something; rather it is just my wanting this connection with people and is an unfolding within hope. Also I do not mean to create insecurity and ambiguity for anyone. It is just from my ego’s perspective everything has went wrong and yet in my faith perspective this place is unshakable confidence. My intuition says I now need recovery from recovery because finding faith in powerlessness is filtering raw material into something missing or something has been lost. And yet what is true cannot be lost. So is this place where Essence really exists?
I just need someone’s experience and if not I still thank you for the significance of your presence and your enormous dignity.
Syd, I have been reading here for the past several months and have commented a few times. I just wanted to reply to let you know that I understand what you have expressed here and some of your previous comments. I don’t have any answers for you, but I can relate. I am currently working on some very similar feelings.
crazedandconfused, thank you for connecting with me. It makes a difference to know someone else can relate to faith in God can be shocking. The only thing that keeps my faith alive is my inner emptiness is it has not gone into schizophrenia. In this complexity there is a certain simplicity, even willing to not know the answer to my questions. And because there is an opening here in this unknown, then this must be real faith and is the support of presence with the Supreme Being. I just want you to know your presence is your light and your light is deeply significant that made a difference.
Syd I understand. For years the pain was held inside and made me sick like walking around with big splinter. You try to ignore it as it is too painful to deal with and then one day realize it’s infected and has to be removed. That hurts more than you could imagine but it is a healing hurt. This is how recovery to date has been for me. It has left a void where there was pain. There is still pain, but not as consuming. I have been thinking about the emptiness a lot this week. It is a common thread in my group therapy. I have been drawing pictures of baskets and other containers and reflecting on the fact that they can been considered as empty spaces or spaces with potential to be filled. That potential is connected with surrender. If I put a lid on it and cap it off there is no room for spirit, but if I keep it uncovered and hold it up it can be filled with something beyond any precious expectation. The question for me is where to hold it up. Do I need more debridement in my recovery therapy first? I think so for me. I am still in weekly therapy and still trying to purge the poison but at least recognizing the potential of the emptiness. . Perhaps you don’t if that’s what you mean by recovering from recovery and you have moved beyond that stage. Wishing you well on your journey
Suz
Suz, what you write is profound. Holding your empty baskets and containers is an important quality I want to awaken within myself. There is a quality from your image and inspiration, something beyond my conscious control. Your creativity is life-enhancing, especially when you say, “That potential is connected with surrender.” This surrender feels like the place to begin and it is this that makes everything else possible. I thank you for your connection and the preciousness of your faith that places real value on hope. Hope is the whole flow in creating this basket that transforming it all, and from my heart your presence is significant!
And I thought you were singling out my posts(joke). Word press has a feature that should be notifying me of responses to my posts. It isn’t working. Found Michele’s by accident. Had a severe fall a few months ago so sorry I haven’t posted but have been following – sorry I am praying/thinking of all of you.. I do see the fields transposed a few times so I don’t use my main mailbox – actually changed it. Glad word press has this forum, but like anything else, be aware, like the survivors know, too many still blame the victims and unleash very unchristian attacks on them. Please be careful, we need you.